Learning the Hard Way

We found out on Monday that Jameson had cancer. Last night (Wednesday) we had to put him down. It was way too fast, but I guess better in the long run... less suffering for him, less confusion for the girls. Yesterday was a very bad day for me and a very hard one. I could tell Jameson was not right, I just did not know how bad he was. I was crying and lying with him on the floor. I was debating how much to tell the girls. When I told Maura we should be nice to him and love him because he was old for a dog and pretty sick, the questions started. Maura could turn a simple walk to the mailbox into twenty questions, so this was just way too much. Is he dying? Is he dying because he is sick or because he is old? How old is he? How old is Lexi? How come Lexi is older than Jay but not dying? How will he get to Heaven? Then she asked me how I knew he was going to die. How did I know dogs did not live as long as people? I said I had many dogs growing up so I knew what happened. She then replied, "So you learned the hard way mom, didn't you?"

We told the girls we were taking Jay to the Vet last night. We left them with my dad who put them to bed. As soon as she woke up this morning, she called me into her room and asked me how Jameson was. I told her he was in Heaven. She didn't believe me at first, but once she accepted it, she said, "I wish I didn't have to learn the hard way, Mom."

I wish you didn't either maura. and mags. and B. and KJ. I have a feeling I will feel like this a lot throughout my lifetime as a mom. Wishing I could shelter the girls from all that is not pleasant in the world. Wishing that the fact that I already learned it the hard way would count for something and give them a pass. I wish it worked that way. I wish that they would learn from my mistakes, be wiser because of my un-wise decisions, avoid making that same dumb decisions I made, simply because I tell them to. I know that will not happen. I know it is not realistic. I know they will be better off in the long run having learned life's lessons in a safe way while growing up, but it still stinks. Actually it pains my heart that I can't protect theirs.

We are so, so sad to not have our J dog greeting us at the door, barking at the deer, eating all the crumbs (except cheerios) that the girls drop. I already forgot twice today that he was gone. I really hope he is off chasing the angel-squirrels and playing catch with some kind and wise Saint. We will probably get another dog someday, but he'll never be our J Dog!